In favor of favors

and more boundaries around setting boundaries

“Boundaries are sexy,” my friend texted me. 

Then, three blinking dots later, “Your no helps me trust your yes.” 

I had just turned down an invite to something because of how completely overwhelmed I’d been feeling in my early days as a founder. Back then, it felt like my startup was attached to my arm via an IV, requiring a steady stream of my lifeblood. It sucked to say no to plans, but I needed to put myself first. 

Even though I can’t find those texts in our messages history anymore, I can still quote them verbatim because of how much they meant to me. She helped open my eyes to the idea that a “no” isn’t always perceived as a rejection (actively bad!) or even a missed opportunity (passively bad…). The opposite was true: she felt closer to me because of it. She helped me to feel safe saying no, which was a gift and a lesson rolled into one.

I think a lot of people were eager for—and receptive to—messages like that circa ~2019. The earliest article I can find in The Cut’s archive that mentioned the need to set boundaries ran in 2016. Google search traffic for the term “setting boundaries” peaked in 2020, when, well, you know. The concept clearly struck a chord with people who felt that the world was demanding too much of them, and it quickly entered pop psychology parlance. The language of health and wellness became one of self-preservation: tell your boss, spouse, friends, in-laws, investors, world leaders, “Enough!” before you wind up carved up and emptied out—mind, body and soul. “We’re calling it!” announced a writer for Byrdie in 2022, “Boundaries are the new self-care.” 

This was a helpful cultural pendulum swing in a few ways. The concept of boundaries allowed people to better identify and articulate the things they want and don’t want. Talk about boundaries was, and remains, tightly connected to social and political movements: for one, bodily autonomy, which became a rallying cry coming out of the #Metoo era and then during a wildly regressive wave of reproductive rights rollbacks in the US. These days, I’d venture to say that people are way more receptive and less judgmental when they hear “No thanks,” or hear about someone prioritizing their own needs first. But like any sweeping pendulum swing: when we push hard in one direction, we’re still in the active and unfinished process of resetting. We probably aren’t yet at equilibrium.

At one point, a different friend was going through some difficult stuff while I was dealing with my own aforementioned Hard Times™. She told me that she needed more from me as a friend. I replied that I didn’t have a lot to give at the moment, and that I probably couldn’t be there for her in the ways that she was asking. It was a difficult conversation, but I thought I’d navigated it as best I could. When I told my mom the story, I remember announcing that I’d learned to put my own oxygen mask on first. Now I was fishing for some reassurance. But my mom was silent on the line, weighing her words. “As a mother,” she said finally, with kindness in her voice, “You don’t always get to put your own oxygen mask on first. Sometimes people just need you when they need you.” 

I hope it goes without saying that none of these situations are ever black & white. Sometimes we really don’t have enough juice in the tank, and we can never be everything to everyone. But more recently I’ve been gathering evidence that leads me away from a boundary-protecting, “me first” mentality. I have the capacity to get curious about what happens when I step over my self-preservationist instincts. I guess you could say that I’m exploring the other side of things. The place that the pendulum hasn’t swung for a while.

I’m asking questions like: 

• By being hyper-vigilant about protecting our energy, are we missing counterintuitive opportunities to give a little and get a lot back in return?

• How is focusing on ourselves (units of one) instead of the communities that we’re a part of (family, friends, neighborhood, or even our city) keeping us stuck instead of safe?

• Is the emphasis on boundaries closing us off to some of the simplest joys—and also the deep fulfillment—of depending on others, and of being depended on by others? 

Quote by Ram Dass. Visual artist unknown

These days, I believe that leaning on each other is usually a better solution than building protective fortresses around ourselves. By extending our hands, I think we remind ourselves and the people we love that we’re all more interconnected than we think. None of us need to go it alone, actually.

If you’ve done difficult and meaningful work to understand and establish boundaries, congratulations. And also—is there any tweaking needed to bring you back to a new equilibrium?

Asking for a favor isn’t an imposition. It’s an expression of trust and friendship. 

There isn’t a strong enough social norm around favors between friends. I think this contributes to making us feel like we’re all on our own. My relationship with favors changed dramatically once I lived next door to my friends Phil and Kristen. That, plus becoming part of a community where helping each other out happens so frequently that it’s just the water we swim in.

Last year, we planned a Saturday to totally redo our shared backyard. I’m talking pretty unsexy manual labor. Phil suggested that we put a call out to all our friends to see if anyone wanted to come help. I bristled. Isn’t that [imposing, annoying, presumtuous]? But Phil is unbothered by that particular genre of over-thinking. He sent the email, and to my surprise, a lot of people showed up in their overalls. 

I want to be clear that Phil isn’t using some secret cheat code. He’s just willing to ask. He’s figured out that when people work on something together, or help each other out, they feel happy and closer to each other. He understands that people often like the chance to show up and be a good friend. He asks without expectation: he has enough reps to know that a “no” isn’t personal.

Phil and Kristen have a text thread where they occasionally ask for babysitting help for their now 2-year old. I didn’t feel burdened when I was added to the group—I felt honored that they trusted me like that. They pitch the blocks they need a sitter not like it will be a drag, but with adorable photos and funny prompts for how you could spend the time. They don’t equivocate—“No worries either way!”—and don’t make it into a big, fluffy, “So sorry to ask!” deal. 

There’s a statistic that circulates the internet that it takes 50 hours of hanging out to graduate from acquaintances to casual friends (and 90 hours to become close friends). I call bullshit. Maybe it’s 50 hours if you’re meeting up for lunch. But I almost guarantee that gets halved if you make it a point to fold a habit of favors into your relationship early. Friends of mine who are gay parents of a 3-year-old recently shared the perfect example: when they struggled to tie their daughter’s hair into a neat ballet bun, they asked their female friend and fellow ballet parent to arrive a few minutes early before each recital to do her hair. I can’t imagine a clearer signal of being bought into a friendship than being comfortable enough to ask for a favor. It feels good to be asked. It feels good to have people to ask. And on, and on, and on. 

Giving favors maybe have gotten less obvious in the age of pay-for-convenience, but they matter just as much.

I had an old boyfriend whose friends would pick each other up at the airport. They all traveled a lot, so it naturally felt pretty balanced—and the local airport was only 15 minutes away, so it wasn’t a heavy lift. It was really nice! It was also unusual. I remember thinking that out of all the ways I tried to be a good friend (showing up, listening, remembering, planning fun things), acts of service wasn’t one of my platonic love languages—nor did it seem to be for my friends. 

These days, I think we have to get even more creative (and maybe also more insistent?) about helping each other because of the glut of convenience the last decade of tech has provided. Sure, your friends who are new parents can order DoorDash—but a home-cooked meal is so much nicer. Your friend coming back from a few months of backpacking can definitely call an Uber—but how much would it mean to them if you volunteered to get them at the airport? The other week, knocked flat with a virus, a friend ordered me an Acai bowl to my doorstep.

In all of the above situations, you can imagine the social script of protestations:“Don’t worry! I’m fine! You’re so sweet but I’m good!” It’s polite not to ask too much. It’s safer to assume that we’re always asking too much. We don’t want to put other people out. We all need a little rewiring, and who better to do it with than our friends? You are the village. We are all the village! 

Friendship isn’t tit for tat.

I’d like to get past the idea that my friends “owe” me anything, or that I owe them. We probably all know the feeling of giving a little more than feels good, so I get that this is a tricky one. But I hate the idea of keeping score, and I’m convinced it wastes a ton of energy if we try to keep track.

A subtle shift I’m working on is to become more aware of the habit of apologizing far too often. “Sorry, was that too much information?,” “Sorry to keep you waiting!”, “Sorry I was low energy last night.” When I use rote, programmed phrases like this, I’m expressing less comfort and trust than I actually feel. I’m inadvertently holding people at an arm’s length.

A few months ago, my dear friends got married and I officiated their wedding. They are very conscientious people, which is one of the many reasons I love them, and both of them thanked me generously and often throughout the process. They thanked me again several times after their big day—until finally, I lovingly asked them to stop. They didn’t need to re-balance the scales with an insane amount of gratitude. It was an honor to be such a big part of their ceremony, and a memory I’ll always treasure. I benefitted too!

The beautiful and esoteric concept of being “of service” (bear with me).

A coach whom I used to see encouraged me to stop looking for where I can add value, and encouraged me to listen to what wants to come through me (or in other words, what I’m called to do). Right…totally!

But I know that at a high level, she’s referencing the “Four Levels of Consciousness.” The idea is that we all cycle through these four levels of consciousness on a day-to-day if not minute-by-minute basis. Most of us spend most of our time in a lower level (see image below)—so if you see yourself reflected in a lower level, hi and welcome!

When I looked at these levels while I was writing this, I wondered if “boundaries talk” is a kind of Level One “To Me” thinking—a necessary and important first step—but also an indication that we believe we are at the mercy of the world, and therefore have to play defensively. I look at Level Two, “By Me”, and the word “should” comes to mind: that each of us is talented in specific ways and should step in and help out others based on those skills in a sort of obligatory way. I connect Level Three and Four (to be honest, it’s still hard for me to grasp the difference) with being “of service.” To be moved to help in the ways that are natural and instinctive to us as individuals. In that way, in the right groove, it won’t feel like work, obligation, imposition, annoyance, or a time suck. It will feel effortless, and fulfilling, and really, really good. 

Being of service to people we love—in the ways that feel good to us—is a way to get out of our own heads, and remember all the ways that we are important, valuable, and worthy people. We won’t get it perfect. And we won’t be able to do it all the time. But what if we tried doing it a little more?